Chocolate almond saltwater taffy, or a horrible sticky mess.

Remember how I Googled saltwater taffy to see if I could make it?
Well it's 1:51 PM right now.
I have to be home at 5.
I also have to drive 45 minutes to get there.
That leaves me with about two hours to get this done. I think I can manage. Recipe here but I adapted it to include almond extract, because believe me, it'll be better this way. Also I'm not gonna cook it for as long as suggested because I know it'll be better if it's softer.

Run to the grocery store because you're out of vinegar. Pick up some Kool-Aid while you're out, because you know you're gonna want it on your days off to play with your new fiber.

Get home and yank out your ingredients and then wait for this thing to show up, because it will. Always.

I AM NOT FEEDING YOU GET OUT OF HERE CAT

And then the other one shows up.

Not feeding you either.

Horrified, realize that you are out of wooden spoons. The last one not in the dishwasher was used to cook garlic pesto.

Scrub the living shit out of it.

It still smells like garlic.

Dump some vinegar on it.

It's a little better.

Dump your sugar, cocoa powder, and salt into that trusty pot that you've been using for the last few recipes.

Pour in about a cup of light corn syrup. Don't measure it. Then you'd have to clean corn syrup out of a measuring cup. The worst.

Don't really measure the water either because it says "1/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon." Measure the 1/4 cup, then add about half of that. Should be fine.

...I drove all the way out for ONE TEASPOON of vinegar. Add the damn teaspoon.

Turn on your Fellowship of the Rings audiobook because goddammit, you wanna hear more about Lothlorien. <---spelled that without having to Google it.

Chocolate sludge reminiscent of homemade hot cocoa.

Add a candy thermometer and watch it until it reaches 250 degrees.

Take it off the heat and add your butter and almond extract and then transfer it to a greased pan.

Wait until it cools, and then get a pat of butter ready, because you're gonna need it. Clean your utensils and the entire stupid countertop because somehow your crap ended up everywhere.

Find that it's still hot. Stick it in the fridge because you're impatient.

Realize that you're starving because you haven't eaten yet. Eat everything.

Also tie back your super long hair and put on an apron because you're not stupid.

I didn't photograph the stretching process because there would be taffy goo all over my camera, but the taffy needs to be pulled until it lightens in color but not too much because then it'll turn into a fudge like substance. I made that mistake. The one closest to me is the way they should all look.

My mom should have some wax paper, and because I don't, I've rolled the taffy into a taffy scroll to take there so I can finish packaging it.

She didn't have wax paper. Oops.